Make Memories First, Ask Questions Later
This post is excerpted from a letter to my daughter on her 18th birthday.
What does a dad say to his beloved daughter on her 18th birthday?
He probably starts with the obvious by wishing her a Happy Birthday. Groundbreaking, I know.
Then, if he's anything like your dad, he'll quickly veer into something sweet and ridiculous and nostalgic. Some story that still makes him laugh and her groan.
And then, because she's 18, and he's completely blindsided by how fast it happened, he'll say something cliché about time because even though everyone says it, the shock still feels new when it's your kid.
Having checked those boxes, it's time for him to say something that actually matters, something with depth and meaning and value, something she can hold onto and actually use for the rest of her life. He's probably been turning it over in his mind for weeks. When he's ready, he'll jump into the two things he's talked to her about for years: nothing matters more than your relationship with yourself, and nothing expresses that relationship better than the memories you make.
He'll start with the memory part by getting philosophical:
Then he'll move to the self part by telling her one of his favorite stories, one she's heard a dozen times about the night the American Psychological Association invited the great William James to give a lecture on the first fifty years of psychology research. He'll remind her that James—a giant of the field—stepped to the microphone, waited for the applause to die down, and said:
Then he turned and walked off stage.
Now, finally, having warmed up and steadied himself for the task at hand, he will finally begin...
Dear Precious 18-Year-Old,
[name withheld for privacy reasons]
Beyond sharing with you the eternal wisdom of Caractacus Potts and his perfectly, beautifully optimistic mantra–"it will, it will"–from our beloved Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and beyond the words I've said to you hundreds of times over the years—I love you more today than I did even yesterday—I've also always told you that two things matter more than almost anything else: your relationship with yourself and making memories.
The memory part you know: monotony collapses time, novelty unfolds it. The more new experiences you create, the richer and longer your life feels. So make memories... make memories... make memories... I've said it enough times hoping it would stick. That you'd just make memories first and ask questions later.
But the thing about those memories is that they're not just about what you do. They're about who you become while doing them. Because as William James said: people, by and large, become what they think of themselves. And what you think of yourself gets shaped by the experiences you create, the risks you take, the novelty you seek. You become someone who lives fully because you practice living fully.
So keep making those memories, and as you do, pay attention to who you're becoming. Trust me when I say I've looked into it—making memories while becoming who you want to be is one of the single highest ROI investments you can possibly make.
I LOVE YOU 18 million times more today than I even knew was possible yesterday.
Happy Birthday, my love…
Dad